This is quite a difficult letter to write. Not because I don't have much to say or because bad things happened, but simply because this means that I have to be all mushy and self investigative and stuff. What brought this on you might ask? Well, you know my heart better than most, you've managed to make me realise it's OK to be a little dependant on someone and you phoned me over the weekend and made me think a little.
If I had to add all the times I've really been "IN LOVE" together, I won't even need to use all five my fingers on the one hand. I've really LIKED a lot of guys, but very seldom have I fallen in love. There was the "The guy who made me the other woman", the DJ, the guy with the smile.....and You.
You, the surfer/artist/poet with the ice blue eyes, bleached blond hair, keen gaze, artist hands, unmeasurable deepness and highly intellectual mind. You became a thief in a second and you've somehow managed to return only some of the treasure you stole.
You met me when I was at my worst! It was about 3 weeks after my accident. I was bedridden, a little depressed, bored out of my mind and seriously dishevelled. I had to rely on other people to at least try and to something with my hear, i was wearing "leisure clothes" which mainly meant stuff i could fit over all the casts, boots and guards i was wearing. I looked quite dreadful actually. But you pitched up at my folks' house with one of my lifelong friends. You had joined him in the beautiful little country town for the weekend and was dutifully visiting his porcelain doll friend(they way he keeps referring to me).
In that second you walked in my door something just....well, clicked, i guess. I spent more time talking to you that weekend than i spent talking to me friend(bad friends we are). But you had to go back and that was that. We spoke over the phone every now and again, but we were simply friends checking up on one another.
Then, last year it happened. We went camping together and the thing we had been ignoring for so looooong suddenly reared it's head again. And we were only to happy to oblige. Friends we were no longer......we weren't in a relationship..we were just having fun. Or so we thought. Then you phoned a couple of weeks later. Shouldn't we try this long distance thing? We could fly across once a month..it wouldn't be so bad.....and like a fool i believed you and said yes.
But i soon realised I'm not my brother. How on earth he managed to date and engage over two continents i could never understand. The 700km's just wasn't working for me and I called it off. In the nicest way possible. Some called me a fool, and others applauded me for my honestly so early in a relationship. The truth of the matter is.........I love attention. And I couldn't stand not having my guy withing a reasonable distance. I don't need to see you everyday..but i wanna know that if i needed to see you...well, i could!
Now we are back to just being really good friends. I speak to you on a twice weekly basis. We share everything. But this weekend was different. You didn't have all that much to say. You simply wanted me to move to where you are. You are miserable without me....you missed me.
I have to admit that for a short while I did consider the possibility of moving. But I'm at a stage in my life where I've discovered who I really am...and I love that person. I love my job, my friends, my little house and my life here. And i realise that one day when i meet the right person or when I'm ready to settle down that I'll have to give some of that up, or at least compromise. But I'm not ready to settle down yet. And I'm not ready to give all of that up yet.
I don't want my future husband to expect me to give everything up....but i sure as hell wanna feel as if I would gladly give it up should it be needed. And to be quite honest......I'm not there yet.
I don't regret telling you that I couldn't. I don't regret telling you that I can't do this long distance thing. I know myself too well. And maybe I am full of crap when it comes to guys, and maybe I did pass up on the best thing that's ever happened to me. But sitting here this morning I realised that I made the best decision i possibly could. I'm not ready for this yet.
I don't know if the two of us will ever be together, or if we're even meant to be. But I do know this much. You will always hold a little piece of my heart firmly in your hands. That doesn't mean that I won't fall in love with someone else and give them all my love and devotion. It simply means that because you were one of the very few people who actually got to see my heart you will always have a special place.
Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from on this. I know it's hard, and disappointing and it hurts. But thank you for not telling me to bugger off. For promising to be my friend and at least understanding with your head, even if you have trouble understanding with your heart.