Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Dear Readers

I realise that it has been some time since i had last entertained you guys with a heartfelt letter. I know that some of you are diehard fans who rush here every single day in the hope of catching a slight glimpse of my life, but unfortunately I have been a tad busy of late.

I promise to return to my old habit of writing a letter every day or at least every second day quite soon. Things have been quite hectic in my life. Hectic as in exciting and action packed, which also resulted in the minimum amount of sleep. I have plenty of letters to write and i promise that i'll be writing them in the very near future.

I hope that you guys will be able to cope with my silence for just a tiny little bit longer.



Monday, February 18, 2008

My Boy

A while ago I sent you a letter relating to the fact that I was worried about you because you were avoiding me, you were in hospital, and you refused a visit from me. Turns out.....i was right.

After months and months of avoiding me you finally gave me a call on Thursday. I knew that this was the sign of your return from a dark hole, or at least a sign that you have turned around and were on your way back. Needless to say, I was overjoyed! I cleverly ignored your little "hello stranger! why have you been so quiet?" quip, knowing that this was your way of telling me you missed me.

One phone call was followed by the next and by the end of Thursday you had phoned me 5 times. Just to hear what i was doing and to tell me you missed me. I knew that both you and I would be just fine. My boy was back:)

We decided to have drinks on Friday night, and that I would come and have breakfast at the restaurant on Saturday. Our talk on Friday consisted mostly of you talking about the drama that had been your life in the last couple of months. I knew it! But i didn't feel victorious at being right, my heart was breaking, and my soul is still troubled. I'm worrying myself half to death, more than i did the last time, because this time it was so much worse.

Turns out that the return to the seedy world that had been your old life, and the pressures at home were too much for you to handle, and you flung yourself back into the dark world of cocaine and heroine with a passion which was borderline to an attempt at killing yourself. Using 4g's of cocaine up to 6 or 7 times a day was the norm. You nearly lost the restaurant you had worked so hard to acquire through the debt which drugs created. You nearly lost your mom, you nearly lost your life and you nearly lost me.

The kidney problems were due to the high volumes of cocaine consumed, and the doctor nearly had a fit when they tested your blood. They had never seen anyone with such a high percentage of cocaine in their blood....they thought you were gonna die. I thought you were gonna die!

Almost losing the restaurant was the final straw, and you eventually went to seek help. You booked yourself into rehab without telling anyone. You disappeared off the face of the world for 6 weeks. You suffered through all of that alone. You didn't tell me. My heart broke while you were telling me about rehab. About how lonely you were, and how tough it was. I broke down in tears. I knew that you wanted me to be strong, the way i always am, but i just couldn't be. It was my time to be weak, to cry for innocense lost, to cry for everyone, to cry for you.

We celebrated the fact that you've been clean for 10 weeks on saturday. And I even managed a smile through the tears of heartbreak and joy. But my heart is still filled with darkness, a new darkness named worry. You are surrounded by the people who took you into this world every single day. Are you gonna be strong enough not to fall for it again? I don't know, and I wish i could just protect you from all of this. I wish i could take you away, and never bring you back. I wish i could take away your pain, your weakness and all your struggles.

The realisation of why it was so easy for you to go back finally struck when I asked about your parents. I know that they've been having some problems of late, but i wasn't prepared for the news. They were getting a divorce, they were killing each other, they are killing you and your sister. The divorce is not pretty, as they were married under Italian law, which apparently means that everything belongs to the husband. Your dad tried to strangle you when you told him that you will make sure that your mom is provided for. Money turn people into monsters. I can understand why you fell. Despite the fact that your dad is the one cheating on your mom, your sister has decided that your mom is the bitch from hell, and now she is rejecting you because you are refusing to choose sides, despite the fact that your dad has been treating you like shit.

I really wish i could just put my arms around you and make everything OK. I wish i could take all of this away. I wish things could have been different for you my friend. You finally broke down on saturday. You told me that you had avoided me through all of this because you knew that I would know what was going on within seconds of talking to you. You didn't want to disappoint me again. You knew that i wouldn't judge, that i would be there for you like every time before, that i would be the one sorting everything out. You avoided me because you wanted to spare me the pain of going through all of this with you again. You did it, because in your twisted drug induced state you believed that it would spare me the worry.

You're not even halfway out the woods yet. But at least you are moving forward, and I applaud you for that. I pray that you will be kept safe from the temptations that fill your everyday life at the restaurant, that you will be strong, and that you will emerge from this a stronger person.

I want you to know that no matter what happens, you will always be my boy. I love you and I'd give up everything if it would mean that you'd be OK. And for goodness sake, don't ever put me through that again. I'd rather know and worry myself half to death, than sit in the silence and anguish of uncertainty.


Your Joe

P.S. For a bit of comic relief after this really depressing post, go here to see my funeral interview with Bridget .

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Dear Blonde Stranger

The dark clouds slowly crawled over the mountain as I was making my way down the steep slope. Rushing, trying to avoid being caught on the mountain in the rain. Suddenly the universe's stomach growled fiercely and I skipped a heartbeat as the lightning hit a large tree not too far away from where i was making my mad dash to safety.

Then, out of nowhere, you suddenly appeared. A tall, blonde stranger. There you stood, on the narrow wooden bridge. The same bridge I had to cross to reach safety. I stopped. My heart was beating painfully in my chest as those soul piercing, ice blue eyes looked straight through me. Time stopped. The earth stopped turning......everything was focused on you. Tall, fearless, confident, daring the elements to defeat you.

Slowly the earth was released from your spell. Wind once again howled around the mountain. The moment passed, but i simply couldn't peel my eyes away from your face. The strong chin, the fierce blue eyes, the sunbleached blonde hair, you were the owner of the had me captured.

Then, in one swift movement you turned your head toward me. I shrank back against the mountain couldn't see me! You smiled your lazy smile. I was powerless in you gaze. I could no more run away than i could walk towards you. I just stood there, staring helplessly.

I blinked. And in that millisecond you disappeared. I looked around frantically, but there was no sign of you. You had vanished into thin air.

Then, as the icy rain finally penetrated my mountain gear, my mind snapped back into action. I ran the rest of the way down, frantic to get out of the rain and the danger zone the mountain had become.

Now as i lie in my bed i can't help but wonder. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Were you ever even there to begin with, or was it all part of the magic of the mountain? The same magic that keeps bringing me back here. The same magic that makes me the person i am. The magic I can't live without.

I hope that next time I visit my mountain that you will be there. Waiting. Staring. Laughing at me with those fierce blue eyes. Daring me to ascend the mountain once again.

Yours in hope


Dear Dude

Today's letter quite a bit shorter than usual. I don't have much to say, at the moment anyway, and will therefore not waste your time with non-sensical blabber.

My letter consists of simply this: WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?

Hugs and Kisses


P.S. For those of you who are single and trying or for those of you who are in a relationship and simply feel like this might be cute....pls complete the following:

P.P.S. Happy Valentine's Day y'all!!!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Dear Funny Girl

Thank you so much for tagging me in this meme. I suppose we don't refer to you as Funny girl for nothing, as some of yours were kinda entertaining:)

If I understood you correctly the meme works as follows:
7 random or weird things about yourself
The rules are as follows:
# Link to the person who tagged you
# Post the rules on your blog.
# Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
# Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
# Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.

So, for your reading pleasure, here follows 7 random things about me which most of you don't know:

1. I'm a qualified pianist. I finished my degree in piano & music theory at the age of 16, I started profesionally when i was 5. I loooooove my piano but don't play as often as i would like as my house is too small to bring my piano to JHB.

2. I'm a dance freak! my childhood dream was to go to a high school for fine arts. All i wanted to do was make music, sing, dance and act. I did ballet, modern dancing, hip hop and even a little bit of ballroom. Lucky for me my parents were bright enough to know that in this country you don't have a proper they convinced me to attend a normal high school:)

3. I suppose in truth i discriminate against superficial and stupid people. I'm an intelectual at heart. No matter how hard i try i just can't stay focused if you don't give me some intelectual food for thought. I can only discuss shoes, clothes, guys, brand names and other superficial stuff for about 10 min....then i'm lost to the conversation.

4. I'm a writer in hiding. I write poetry, stories and songs....but i never ever show them to anybody, unless you manage to break the barrier......only 1 has been succesful so far. That's why i love blogging so much

5. I will always tell you the truth. I will try and do so as tactfully and nicely as possible, but i won't lie. This is what caused my boss to say that i have a way of sending people to hell while making them look forward to the journey.

6. I hate peas! I can't eat them, can't stand them, don't want them! nuf said!

7. I love earrings, bangles and rings. I have tons and tons of the stuff:) I love making them too, so I have plenty of weird and wacky accessories.

Well Elizabeth...i hope this gives you some insight to my inner being? But most of all i'm hoping that this doesn't cause some people to rather ignore my blog than pay a visit!



P.S. No I didn't forget to tag goes nothing:

Monday, February 11, 2008

Dear BF's love of her life

My excitement about the weekend to be spent with the BF was slightly tainted by the knowledge that I had to meet the new "LOVE". Much as I love this crazy ho of mine, she sometimes manages to fall in love with the most silly little buggers. And since i liked the last one, but didn't actually approve of him as her boyfriend, I was slightly sceptical when she told me about you in December.

My suspisions were slightly laid to rest by the things she said about you. You seemed to be working wonders on this woman, so I was in two minds when i set of to Dodgeville for my weekend at the BF.

I was pleasantly surprised by you. You got on well with her parents, you made an effort to get to know me for BF's sake(thats a first), you bought both of us drinks all night, you have a calm demeanour, you're independant, not clingy and she can leave you alone while dancing the night away with me, without worrying whether you'll be Ok, or whether you'll try and chat someone else up.

You understood her and managed to control her at the same time. Much like me, BF is a strongwilled young lady, who knows what she wants, is willing to fight for it and can sometimes try and sit on a guys head. You, other than all the other guys in her life, is not letting her control you. No wonder she's so in love with you. You let her do pretty much what she wants, but you're in control of the relationship...fabulous! You make her feel safe, and loved and cherished.

You weren't even miffed that she didn't see you all saturday because the two of us had arranged to do some retail therapy. You quite happily left early on saturday evening so the two of us could get on with our little evening of pampering and girly talk we've been planning for weeks. All in all....i'm impressed. And trust me, if you asked BF, she'd tell you that this is an amazing accomplishment, and that you're also the very first BF love that managed to acquire this honour.

Before i run along and leave you to your carpentry and such, i have one last little piece of advice. Treat my friend with respect, love her and cherish her. Because if you break her heart i will kill you. I will find you and rip your toenails out and kill you slowly and painfully! That girl is like the sister i never had. If you hurt her, you hurt me too, so watch it!

On a more pleasant note, enjoy your week and treat BF on Valentine's day you hear!



Thursday, February 7, 2008

Dear Angelina Jolie

Ha! I've got it! I know exactly how you manage to have those bulging lips of yours. And yes, I do believe don't use botox, you don't need to, you have a much better, foolproof way of getting your lips to look all swollen and pouty.

I promise to keep your little secret well....a secret. As long as you don't mind making a quick deposit of about $5 000 000 into my bank account, nobody needs to know about this sordid little affair.

I don't plan on haunting you about this for the rest of your life, and one payment should be quite enough to last me a lifetime. Please do not flatter yourself by thinking that I've made it my life mission to try and figure out how you get your lips so puffy, actually, I stumbled across it quite by accident. Or should we rather say slammed into it?

You see.....we have this lovely little swing door in our office. The large office multi-function printer stands right behind it, and in the past 3 years this silly little door has been the source of many bruises. Somebody comes banging it open from the hallway right into the unsuspecting idiot on the other side.

So yesterday, as I was waiting for a set of financials to print, i urgently had to write something down for my PA. So I lean over the desk (standing right next to the door) and start writing. The other manager banged the door open from the other side (quite forcefuly I might add) and hit me smack right in the face. More specifically right across my mouth.

My first thought, apart from the pain that shot through my whole body, was that I lost my front teeth. Luckily, they were all there, red stained by blood, but safe and sound. My lips, however, didn't get off that easy! They ballooned to "Angelina Jolie" proportions in record time. As I tried to stop the bleeding from the cut on the outside, from the door, and the one on the inside, from my teeth, everybody else tried to pack my face with ice packs. I've managed to control the worst of the swelling, and the cut on the outside of my mouth doesn't look too bad and is quite small.

But as I was looking at the mirror in disgust at these large lips of mine, it suddenly hit me! (No not the door) This is how she does it!!! You just get old Brad to hit you in the face with a door or his fist every now and again don't you?? To keep them all swollen and puffy. It's no wonder you're so skinny...your mouth is so painful from all the beating and doorbanging that you can't eat!

So, if you could ever so kindly deposit a couple of bucks into my account, i'll ensure that this never ever reaches the outside world. If, however, I do not hear anything from you in the next 10 days, you can be sure that you'll be reading all about it on the internet. News24, PerezHilton, whatever...the world is my playground.

I'll be in touch with my account details etc.



Monday, February 4, 2008

Dear lost soul on the beach

I certainly hope that this letter will find you. That you are OK, that you haven't drowned, weren't raped, weren't killed and that you at some point got back your sanity.

Late saturday night Artist and I decided that a walk on the beach would be good. So, with the green fairy in hand we missioned down to the beach. We didn't wander very far, and found the perfect spot to sit down and have a good chat. At some point you came running down the beach. You didn't even notice the two of us. My first reaction was one of surprise since you were wearing rather expensive looking boots and fancy pants clothing. Then all of a sudden, you turned and rain straight into the water.

We yelled, but you didn't respond. Then, after a couple of minutes you wandered to more shallow water. And then you just fell over with you face flat in the water and the sand. Artist and i made a mad dash, but then you sat up, and we stopped. Watching you, fearing for you. You were breaking my heart. You were definitely on a bad trip, you were all alone and you were uncontrolable.

Then, as we moved ever so slowly closer to you, not wanting to frighten you, you jumped up and dashed down the beach. We turned and ran too, but before our very eyes you disappeared into the darkness ahead. And as the sound of your footfalls slowly quieted down, despair grabbed at our hearts.

You were gone, we didn't have a flashlight, we were only two, the beach area is vast and we had no idea where to even begin looking. We finally gave up after about an hour of running, searching and shouting and headed back to the flat. There was no car in the parking lot, and we had no idea how on earth you even got to the beach.

Luckily I have a friend who works for the SAPD in Durban. He didn't mind being woken up at 1 in the morning(thank goodness) and they sent out a couple of guys to comb the beach. There was no sign of you...and by sunrise they finally gave up.

It's so sad to think how lonely you must be. How bad the trip was, and that you were just left there alone. I feel bad for not helping you. I feel responsible, and if ever i had to find out that you died that night...i don't think i'll ever be able to forgive myself. Poor artist had his hands full trying to convince me that there wasn't much more that could be done. I still don't believe him. There must have been something that we could have done to stop you.

If you ever get this letter, please let me know you're OK. I think this will haunt me for a long time. The feeling of helplessness and the knowledge that you must have given up on hope and on life is breaking my heart. I'll say a little prayer for you, and I'll beg God to keep you safe, to give you hope and to give you the ability to find love again. That is, if it isn't too late already.