Saturday, July 26, 2008

Dear Tamara

It seems that I'm kinda getting hooked on memes huh? I haven't been able to make use of my normal creative juices, as antibiotics and creative juices seem to have a detrimental effect on my health. So i stumbled upon this little meme on your blog and decided to give you and all the other little bloggers some more insight into,

1. I hate anyone coming close to my ears. I freak out completely. This fact has however served as a very entertaining past time for every and all of the guys i have ever dated.

2. I have this insane ability to always be rational and matter what. weird, i know

3. I love the smell of freshly baked bread. It's the greatest pick-me-up ever!!!!!

4. I become really depressed and frustrated when I'm sick. So I'm sure you'll be able to determine my mood right about now

5. I love all kinds of you:) I have more pens than i could possibly need in one lifetime. Gel pens, glitter pens, high light pens, coloured name it and I've probably got it;)

6. My circle of trust is very small. I rarely share my closest emotions with the people around me, and when i do it is to a very select few.

7. I plan to do my masters degree next year

8. I've unofficially been offered an amazing job. The official offer is however dependant on one thing.......can he afford to wait until my current employment contract expires???

OK hun, i gotta go and get back in bed. I'm hoping to be back on top of my game in a week or so, and then i promise to post some proper letters:)

Have a good one!



Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Dear Angel

After sitting in front of my little laptop, coughing away like there is no tomorrow, and trying my best to come up with an idea for a post, i finally came to the conclusion that I'm not all that creative when I'm on the brink of death.

So, since i can't come up with a really juicy and informative letter on my own, i called on glug and you ( angel ) for some help........and wisely, you referred me to the list of memes on your blog. Yes, i realise that i hate doing memes, and that i usually refuse to do them....but this was an emergency OK? so forgive me:)

After going through the list I finally decided on doing this one. So here goes nothing......

I am.....sick:(
I know......that there are a lot of people who care about me
I want......a lot of things, but right now I'd settle for feeling better
I, joy and happiness for all the people dear to me
I hate........seeing people suffer
I miss...........oh wouldn't you guys just looooove to know!
I fear........not reaching my full potential....and of course those horrid eight legged creatures
I feel.........alive, despite the fact that I'm sick as a dog
I "homemade pies" clock from Wall-e ticking away
I sourz, and tlc
I heart to make sure that there are no footholds
I wonder......about life and love and where I'll be in 10 years
I regret......this is hard, at this time in my life i don't have any regrets...honest
I love....dancing in the Saviour
I ache.......all over, but especially my lungs ache due to me being sick
I am not.........willing to settle for second best
I my Saviour
I dance......whenever i can...even walking is a form of dance in my mind:)
I sing......constantly...another big love in my life
I cried last........when i was comforting a friend because of the brokenness of his situation
I fight.......for myself, my friends, my family, what i believe to be right and what i believe in
I write....stories, poems, songs and a blog.....all except one is top secret...the one being my blog
I win.....hearts and stalkers
I lose........hope very rarely
I am never.........too tired or busy to help someone in need
I always.....get on the fourth step of an escalator..yes, I'm a tad OCD
I confuse.......easily when sick
I listen....with both my heart and my ears
I can usually be found.....either working or'll rarely catch me sleeping
I realise that i can't fix everything
I am happy.......I think that about says it, no need to elaborate:)
I imagine.....what the world could be like if everybody lived to their full potential

Considering that my creativity levels are sitting at about -10 I don't think i did too bad;) Hope you all enjoyed it!



Friday, July 11, 2008

Dear Ruby(again)

I feel stupid writing this letter for 2 reasons. Firstly, I think it's slightly selfish and totally egocentric to write a letter addressed to yourself two times in row. Usually i don't indulge in these little pity parties, but pls allow me to get on my soap box once again and preach to myself. Secondly, why do I need to write a letter? I mean seriously, I'm in touch with myself all the time aren't I? Can't i just shift this little speech from heart to brain without having to actually write it out?

But then when i started thinking about it, i realised that the reason i didn't want to write this letter was not because it was selfish, or because it was stupid. It was because if i actually managed to put it into writing it would be official, serious and "out there". A scary thought for little old me. But i've started writing, so i might as well tap dance through it.

I haven't exactly got all that much to say to myself, but this particular issue is one that i've always struggled with. One that i've been reprimanded about by other people, especially AK, on numerous occasions, and one that i've noticed I still haven't been able to control.

People tend to confide in me a lot. Tell me their secrets, come to me with their problems, heartache and happiness. They come to me to help them face the reality of what they've done, pray with them, pray for them, give advice and generally they come to me because i'm the one person they know will listen without judging them.

It's taken me a long time to realise this, and the realisation always brings a smile to my face. I love people, I will always have time to listen. But this also brings with it a lot of responsibility, worry and heartache on my side. The responsibility of keeping it a secret, helping where I can, giving the right advice, not forgetting to pray and checking up on them I can handle. The hearthache that generally comes from compassion I can deal with quite easily. But it's the worry that tends to get me down.

Despite the fact that I'm a little fighter and extremely independant, i sometimes battle to cope with the worry. I'm not worried about me, or work, or normal stuff like that....i worry about the people around me. Their problems, if they'll cope, are they OK, why couldn't i do more to help, the emotional scars that they will have to deal with, will they ever be happy. These are just some of the things that haunt my dreams and my everyday life

I've learnt that I'm like a little sponge. I absorb all this worry, sadness and negativity, and the more i absorb it, the more sad, tired and depressed I become. Then, one day, I'll just have enough. I'll burst out in tears for nothing(at home, thank goodness) and go and sit at the feet of my Saviour, handing over all the worry and all the sadness and the hearts of the people i love.

Ok, so now I've said a whole lot without really saying anything. I guess my big issue is that I tend not to trust the very One that confess to be the my Comforter. I hand over the people I love, begging Him to keep them strong, heal their hurts, keep them safe, make them happy, hold their hands, and for some of them, to bring them back to Him. But i don't leave it with Him. It's like i give Him a broken toy to fix, and then just as He wants to start fixing it, I grab it back, skipping along and crying because I still have a broken toy.

Funny enough, when it comes to my own issues I leave my worries and hurts in His hands quite easily. Knowing that he'll provide and sort them out, and tell me what to do. But when it comes to other people, I keep al the hurt and worry to myself.

So, sweet little Ruby, you need to let go. Be grateful for the love and trust of your friends, share their hurt and live with absolute compassion, but when it comes to the worry and the fixing, just leave that in the hands of your Father. He knows them and you so much better than you do. He knows exactly how to fix it. So cry for them all you want, do what you can to make it easier for them, give advice and love and a safe haven, but don't let the sadness, the depression and the hurt get imbedded in your being. It's unhealthy, and it can steal your little ray of sunshine personality in the blink of an eye.

I realise that this is a hard piece of reality to swallow. I know that actually having to read this back to yourself after writing it makes it so much more real than somebody else saying it or you thinking it. But it's true you know. You've known it for so long, but still you struggle with the same thing. It's time to face reality, and to change it.

Lots and lots of love


Monday, July 7, 2008

Dear Ruby

Happy birthday dollface!!!



P.S. Your from me to me b-day prezzie was the best:)

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Dear Psycho Cousin

Happy birthday sweetheart!!! I hope you have a fantastical day, and that the year ahead will be filled with joy, love and happiness. I pray that God will continue to keep you safe and that you will be blessed beyond belief.

The change in you over the last 18months has been remarkable. For the first time in years we actually get along, you don't hate my guts and you're not trying to ruin my life:) Our relationship has always been a rocky one, and the only reason i ever saw or spoke to you was because we were family...i didn't have a choice. C'mon kids, go play nicely together. Oh how i hated those words when we were kids.

We were always fighting. Even though i was older, you were much larger. You bullied me mercilesly, slapping me around, poking me full of bleeding holes with pins and other sharp objects, yelling, screaming and generally abusing me.

You were the black sheep of the family. The one that nobody could stand, the one that made everybody sigh inside when it was announced that you guys were coming for a visit. You involved yourself in witchcraft, drugs and alcohol at a very early age. Causing you parents to worry and the problem with the family to become even bigger.

As i became older, it became easier to avoid you. I was away at uni, and missed a lot of the family gathering, and when i had to attend i was accepted as an adult and engaged in conversation with the various aunts and uncles.

But your dark presence increased and multiplied as the years went along. You were the unspoken family problem. The one everybody avoided talking about....the forbidden topic.

But your wild lifestyle finlly caught up with you and you landed up in a Christian rehabilitation centre after you overdosed on heroine. You spent 6 months in isolation. No family, no friends, only the staff at the centre and God. And a miracle happened. The sweetest girl emerged. Friendly, caring, loving, smiling and loving life.

I have to admit that at first i was your biggest sceptic. Not believing that you've changed. I don't think anybody blamed me, considering all the things you had done to ruin my life. But today I stand absolutely amazed! you've made it:) You've been clean for over year. No drugs, no alcohol, no nothing. I think what impressed me most of all was your willingness to ask forgiveness, to try and build up what you had broken down over the years with your abuse and hatred.

I'm so incredibly proud of you that it almost hurts:) I'm so grateful for the rebuilding of a relationship and the newfound love for a cousin.

So, happy birthday cuz! Keep your chin up sweety, no matter what don't need to prove yourself to anyone, you've done that already, and you've passed with flying colours!