Thursday, February 7, 2008

Dear Angelina Jolie

Ha! I've got it! I know exactly how you manage to have those bulging lips of yours. And yes, I do believe you.....you don't use botox, you don't need to, you have a much better, foolproof way of getting your lips to look all swollen and pouty.

I promise to keep your little secret well....a secret. As long as you don't mind making a quick deposit of about $5 000 000 into my bank account, nobody needs to know about this sordid little affair.

I don't plan on haunting you about this for the rest of your life, and one payment should be quite enough to last me a lifetime. Please do not flatter yourself by thinking that I've made it my life mission to try and figure out how you get your lips so puffy, actually, I stumbled across it quite by accident. Or should we rather say slammed into it?

You see.....we have this lovely little swing door in our office. The large office multi-function printer stands right behind it, and in the past 3 years this silly little door has been the source of many bruises. Somebody comes banging it open from the hallway right into the unsuspecting idiot on the other side.

So yesterday, as I was waiting for a set of financials to print, i urgently had to write something down for my PA. So I lean over the desk (standing right next to the door) and start writing. The other manager banged the door open from the other side (quite forcefuly I might add) and hit me smack right in the face. More specifically right across my mouth.

My first thought, apart from the pain that shot through my whole body, was that I lost my front teeth. Luckily, they were all there, red stained by blood, but safe and sound. My lips, however, didn't get off that easy! They ballooned to "Angelina Jolie" proportions in record time. As I tried to stop the bleeding from the cut on the outside, from the door, and the one on the inside, from my teeth, everybody else tried to pack my face with ice packs. I've managed to control the worst of the swelling, and the cut on the outside of my mouth doesn't look too bad and is quite small.

But as I was looking at the mirror in disgust at these large lips of mine, it suddenly hit me! (No not the door) This is how she does it!!! You just get old Brad to hit you in the face with a door or his fist every now and again don't you?? To keep them all swollen and puffy. It's no wonder you're so skinny...your mouth is so painful from all the beating and doorbanging that you can't eat!

So, if you could ever so kindly deposit a couple of bucks into my account, i'll ensure that this never ever reaches the outside world. If, however, I do not hear anything from you in the next 10 days, you can be sure that you'll be reading all about it on the internet. News24, PerezHilton, whatever...the world is my playground.

I'll be in touch with my account details etc.

Regards

Ruby

15 comments:

Glugster said...

I just see one flaw with this method. Once you have slammed your lips, it not very good for kissing.

Ruby said...

and who ever said angelina's a good kisser???? have you ever seen her kiss Brad publicly??? she's probably on painkillers whenever she has to kiss someone on screen...he he

And yes! it is a problem...trust me...i'm feeling the effects:(

Bridget said...

WHAT? What kind of a person are you to divulge the life-long secret of someone men fantasize about across the globe! You cannot ask for the money, the secrey is out!

Sowwy hun, hope you stop looking like a stocking full of pus soon. errr ... that is from the poem, puffadder. hee hee

KaB said...

She does have damn good lips...guess it's worth being hit in the face?!? Wonder what mask/ armour she's using for the rest of her face...looks pretty damn good if you ask me!

Ruby said...

but i didn't tell anyone???? so how can the secret be out??

And good! let there bubbles be burst then! he he

Thanx hun...looking a whole lot better already.....now, if only i could get rid of this stupid little cut the way i'm getting rid of the swelling it would be fab!

Ruby said...

KaB - Well, the trick is to make sure that the impact is only on your lips....that way the rest of your face will be fine

Seriously....the only after effects of my little run in with that door are my swollen lips and the cut on the inside of my mouth...and tiny one on the outside...but that make-up can fix:-)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Ruby! You got me sooo excited! I really thought you had found THE ANSWER!!
You may have found one, but it's as painful (if not more) as the injection! Eina girl!
Hope you're ok!
Have you seen her little girls lips? Bloody lucky...genetics! sigh!

Elise said...

Na we all know how she gets those lips... Makes Brad a happy guy!

Your way seems to work too though! Hope your okay xx

Amy xxoo said...

So if you now have Angelina sty;e lips, does that you get to have a Brad type guy aswell? If so, i'm going to slam a door into my face right now.....

Natalie said...

Thanks for the tip Rubes, I have been asking Melv to slam the door while I pout. Doesn't even hurt anymore :-)xx

Ruby said...

Blondie - No pain no gain girl!!!! beauty is pain I say! he he.....i'm serious tho...its the way she goes!

Elise - I'm a picture person, don't ever do that to me again!!! thanx hun:)

Amy - Of course you do.....its the lips that do it. So go bang away, and you'll have a man like Brad tomorrow!

Nats - Seee!!!!! and angelina is not even the only person in the world to use this technique...it's common practise

After all of this tho, i've decided to try and avoid banging my lips against doors. Its all good and well to look like old Ange, but I think i like my perfect little lips just the way they are....so i'll wait for the swelling to go down, and they i'll leave them the way they are:)

Ruby said...

i meant to say...."and then i'll leave them" not and they.....gosh, being tired doesn't go well with trying to type!

sweets said...

you paint such a pretty picture hehe

SonnyVsDan said...

i personally don't think she's all that...give me Julia Stiles anyday.

angel said...

aaah, she's my best friend you know. me and angie go way back- and i know for a fact that her lips have not been enhanced in any way at all. not at all.
and she told me on the phone just this morning that the rumours about brad smacking her with a swing-door are completely unjustified.