Wednesday, May 26, 2010

On being disappointed in yourself

So today is NOT a letter...as you can see.  I didn't feel like addressing the post to anyone as I would have had to address it to myself, which would just make me feel worse than i already am.  So it's a post, an honest one and one that i didn't especially enjoy writing....but it's good.  It's important to be honest with yourself from time to time.

You know those moments in life when you suddenly stop and look in the mirror, so to speak, and see changes in yourself? Yesterday was one of those moments.  It wasn't planned, it wasn't expected and to be honest it wasn't very enjoyable either.  Because i looked at myself and I saw that there were things about me that were beginning to change...some of them were good and provided proof that I'm growing as a person, but some were downright disappointing.

I had to be honest with myself and admit that I did not like what I saw.  The only relief I found was in the fact that these changes have as yet not affected anyone else but me.  I haven't started lying, or purposefully hurting people, nor have I left behind any of the things I stand for in life. In fact, i think if i had to explain what exactly was bothering me to most people they would laugh and point out that they don't understand what I'm disappointed about. But somewhere in the last couple of weeks I've started losing a part of who I am.  Things that make me who I am, that shape my character and my personality and form part of the person that my friends love and care for.

And for what am I losing these things? I have NO idea.  I can't quite put my finger on when it started or the reason for it.  All I know is it stops NOW.  I can quite clearly see where i will end up if I allow these changes in me to take place, and I don't like what i see.  So I refuse to let it happen. 

I've been a bit of an emotional wreck the last couple of weeks and I've been blaming a myriad of things for this.  And yes, I have been taking severe strain with the fact that i was in a position where i had to move and didn't have a place to move to. And moving in itself is a pretty stressful thing.  But in retrospect i think my emotional roller coaster had way more to do with me being unhappy with myself than anything else, and it's just so much easier to blame other things rather than yourself.

I'm disappointed in myself for allowing myself to make compromises that I would never normally make.  I don't deal well with disappointing people, even more so when I'm the one i disappointed.  I'm grateful for the fact that the subtle changes which have only started very recently have mostly  been internal/emotional of nature and as yet have not affected my outward behaviour.  Not that it makes me feel better about the situation, but it serves as a little bit of a comfort.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure a number of people are quite confused at the moment and have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about.  I'm sorry bout the cryptic nature of the post, but the fact is, if nobody has noticed the changes and they don't know what I'm talking about it proves I'm right in saying that the changes are currently internal of nature and I can therefore stop them from taking place before it affects anybody else but me.

Even though having to face being a disappointment to yourself is never a 'nice' experience, I'm kinda grateful that I was forced to face reality yesterday.  It helped me to see something which could potentially be a problem and fix it.  Most ironic part of all of this........facing my demons yesterday had an immediate affect on my emotional state.  Am back to being my normal, calm, happy and sunshiny self. 

Rubyshoes is back y'all!

4 comments:

Louisa said...

Don't be too hard on yourself hun, we all think you're pretty damn awesome.

And besides, remember that saying (I forget who said it): If you find yourself in a hole - stop digging!

Seems like you've got a handle on whatever it is that's tormenting you. ;-)

Jennifer said...

I can relate. I have been there before, but at least there's a light at the end of every tunnel.

...Ugh...
I hate sounding like a cliche.

Ruby said...

@Louisa - awe thanx lady:) it's muchly appreciated *hugs* and yes...I've stopped digging and i'm trying to fill the hole again at the mo:)

@Jennifer - LOL...mostly cliche is true...even tho we hate admitting it:) Thank you so much:)

Peter Tracey said...

Awesome Blog Ruby!!"On being disappointed in yourself" is deliciously introspective, had to
read it at least 4 times ,,, I’m sure I’d be better off taking a leaf from your book, being able to look at myslf more critically in the mirror,, but I suppose it’s a guy thing not to do very much of that. My thoughts come out in story form so I’ve plucked the ones I can recall on my blog,,
Not analyzing myself too much has allowed me to open myself up to some awesome experiences, meet the craziest characters of the lot & still come out smiling at how short (& yes, sometimes futile) life is, how shorter it would have seemed, had I lived a more insulated life, in my comfort zone, in the glare of a judging family and friends and hell yeah! They DO judge a person,,,, very harshly.
Thanks for sharing,,