Thursday, January 28, 2010

Dear Paul

It's been just over 2 weeks since i had to say goodbye, just over 2 weeks since i saw your deathly pale face, just over 2 weeks since i had to cut myself off from emotions in order to focus on the important people...it's been just over 2 weeks and i still have to wipe away a tear when i think of you.

Too soon you left us. Too soon the dark abyss of reality had taken you away from us. Sometimes i forget, and i get excited at the prospect of seeing your smiling face when i get home, only to be greeted by mournful reality....I'll never have the pleasure of seeing that big smile again, ever. To hear you laugh that carefree laugh you sometimes had. It's over, a chapter of my life is done.

I'll never forget the shocked expression on your mom's face when she stormed towards us pleading with us to help her. She found you, hanging there like that. I'll never forget the sight, and yet, it's almost as if the picture i conjure up of that moment is emotionless. You were there no longer....your spirit gone, and therefore you were gone too.

I think a lot of people had trouble understanding why you did what you did. But after much thought and tears and reading, I've come to the conclusion that you didn't kill yourself, you died of a disease called Bipolar disorder. You didn't choose to have that deepest of darkness inside of you, and you could no more ignore it than i could stop breathing just because i wanted to.

That Tuesday night was one of the darkest nights I've ever had. Sitting in my little cottage, knowing that you were no longer alive and well, knowing that you died not 30m away from my home, haunted by the image of you hanging there...your feet only 10cm from the ground. I think the fact that it had happened at my house...my safe place....my 'den', was more disturbing to me than the fact that you had died. I didn't want to be at home, i didn't want to think, and at some point in the night, i just didn't want to be.

You'll be happy to know that I have an amazing bunch of friends. Their love and support and hugs(both in real life and cyber space) kept me going. There were people who stayed awake with me through most of Tuesday night, chatting to me, just so that i wouldn't be alone with the grief and the trauma. There were a few of them that totally went the extra mile, and for that I am eternally grateful. It's not often that I'm at a low point in life, but that night, the night you died, i was.

You always said that i was like bubbles, always needing to go up...i just can't help it. And once again you were proven right. Be Wednesday afternoon i couldn't help but have little bouts of happiness and smiles intermingled with the sadness and loss. And i know that you would have wanted it that way. You never wanted us to be sad.

On Saturday it would be 2 weeks since your funeral. And strange as it may sound...you would have loved your funeral. As funerals go it was pretty awesome. The Pastor never once avoided the fact that you committed suicide, instead he used that as his focus point. We sang happy songs and celebrated your life, rather than mourning your death. There were few tears and lots of happy stories told by all who held you dear. Your brother from the US made it just in time, and you were proven right again...we do get along like a house on fire. And as i went home afterwards, you'd never guess what i saw. One of the bunnies, that you had spent hours chasing around the garden and trying to feed and tame was sitting outside your front door in the sun, trying to dry off from the rain. It didn't bolt when i went closer...it just sat there, in the very spot where you so patiently sat trying to catch it. It made me smile.

I miss you my dear dear friend, but i know that you are now in a much happier place, where the darkness of a disease you couldn't control can't find you. I pray that your soul has found rest and that you are resting in the arms of our Father. Until we meet again one day, rest in peace.

Love

Ruby
xxxxxx

7 comments:

Sally-Jane said...

beautiful letter
((hug))

Bea Sempere said...

A great tribute to Paul. It made me cry.

P.S. I love how he compared you to bubbles.

momcat said...

So awful for you and his mom to find him like that. Great that you remember the good times you had with him.

Jeanette said...

(((HUGS))) my friend, what a beautiful letter.
I agree with him re the bubbles btw

Ruby said...

@Sally-Jane - *hugs* thanx hun

@Bea Sempere - Thank you:) ja, is one of my fav memories:)

@momcat - *hugs* thanx love

@Jeanette - *hugs* thank you :)

sass said...

hey ruby,

i just realized that i didn't have you in my google-reader, which is why i haven't stopped by in a while.

i still can't believe that you had to experience such tragedy.
i guess you'd have to be like bubbles to rise above something like this. hugs and strength to you, my friend. keep rising.
x
sass

Ruby said...

@Sass - awe thanx love:) *hugs*