Dear Female slave

Now, we've been over this many times before. Over this specific thing and all the other really irritatingly stupid things you constantly do. I've come to the conclusion that you simply lack the ability to obtain any form of logic. That being said, let me explain this morning's problem to you again.

I wake up at 5:30 this morning with the following in my ears:"Who you tryin to get crazy with essay? Don't you know i'm Locco?????" (Is my sms tone). I'm still very much asleep and realise that it could be any number of people experiencing a life threatening crisis, or it could be bad news. So I sit up, grab the phone, by now convinced that something awful has happened to somebody i love, and to my utter disgust, I see your name. OK, so maybe you have a life threatening crisis, I decide to give you the benefit of the doubt and read it :"Hi Ruby,we dnt hv water.pls pls pls give me advice,frkng out,dunno wht 2 do.HELP!" (For the record, the spelling was copied exactly from the sms)

Totally miffed I put the phone down and attempted to get at least another half an hour of sleep. 20 seconds later :"Who you tryin to get crazy with essay? Don't you know I'm Locco?????". My irritation and fury knew no bounds as your name flickered on my screen....:"wht shud i do?wht shud i do???". Once again i ignore. 20 seconds later....you guessed it :"who you tryin...blah blah blah" I almost hurled my phone against my cupboard.

I didn't even bother reading your last message but sent a snotty reply telling you to use the little water left in the kettle to brush your teeth, or to drive to the nearest cafe/garage shop, buy a bottle of water and brush your teeth and wash your face and get your ass to work.

You still ended up coming to work over an hour late. You're excuse...we didn't have any water. ARGH!!!!! So let me explain this to you one last time. My phone number is not your local assistance hotline. The only reason you have it is to let me know when you are sick and can't come to work, when you are stuck in traffic and will be late for work, or when you are dead, in which case you won't be able to come to work. It is not to be used to solve life's mysteries, or to ask for stupid advice, when you don't even follow my advice to begin with. For the record, you have yet to use my number for any of the allowed reasons, as you usually just do as you please and don't let me know when you're late or sick. But oh, when you have a stupid question then you can't wait to use it.

Seriously...who on earth sms's or calls their boss to ask them what to do when they have no water??? AND at 5:30 in the bloody morning?????? oh sorry, I forgot, you do...cause you seem to be bereft of all logic, then i again, I guess logic can only exist when you have a brain.

This is officially the last time I'll be explaining it to you, let the record reflect that this is the 111th time I've done this(yes, I counted). Next time I'll just phone my Mafia connections, and they HATE being woken up at 5:30*evil grin*

Regards

Boss Ruby

Dear Panarotti's

So last night we went to one of your restaurant to celebrate AK's birthday. We were a little late in arriving, and when we finally pitched up, all excited about seeing old friends, having drinks and celebrating with me friendster, I was seated facing the murals in the children gaming area.

I didn't actually pay much attention to the mural at first, but something about it kept bothering me, so finally i took a couple of seconds to study it and figure out what was bothering me. And then it occurred to me. It's slightly disturbing really. I couldn't believe my eyes and proceeded to ask most of the people at our table to take a look to see if they saw it too....and without fail everyone had the same reaction, which resulted in all of us collapsing in giggles.

I had to get a picture of course, so that i could include it in this here letter. But, since all the waiters were staring at us and the mural at that stage i bribed my cousin to do the embarrassing job of taking my phone, walking up to the offending image and taking the picture.

I present to you Exhibit A:
I'm not quite sure what i find more disturbing....the fact that the little kid is happily holding on to a penis or the monster staring at it excitedly in the background. Anyway, i just thought I'd point out this little painting mishap to you. Please note that in future I'll be facing the other way when coming for pizza, as no food would be consumed if i actually had to sit right in front of it again.

Regards

Ruby

P.S. Oh, by the way...we aptly nicknamed it "Tollie the Lollie", so don't be surprised if you discover a little bit of graffiti on your wall:)

Goodbye my little noenoe!

Even though my heart is filled with joy and incredible excitement, i can't help but feel extremely sad. I had to say goodbye to you this weekend.

It broke my heart to leave you behind on the second hand car lot. You were the one that convinced me it was OK to drive again after the accident. I fell in love with you the moment i saw you for the first time, and the dotted line was signed before i even set foot inside you....I knew you were mine. It was love at first sight.

You've protected me against many would be killers(maniacs on the road) and have managed to make even mercs and BMW's to eat dust from time to time. We've shared many fun times, many sad times and many goodbyes.

I hope that your new owner will look after you as well as I did, and that you will receive as much love and pettings as you did from me.

Love
Ruby
xxxxShortly after i got my little noenoeMy blue eyed boy and my little noenoe

Dear Granny

Happy happy birthday!!!!! I hope this day is filled with joy and the knowledge that your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren adore you! I thank God everyday that you have been spared for us for so long, that He made you the amazing person you are and that I have the privilege of being your grand daughter.

I realise that the last couple of weeks have been very hard for all of us, but especially for you. I'm sorry that you have to spend your 83rd birthday in so much pain, but am grateful for the fact that even in your pain and trials you have the energy to laugh and joke about it.

You are an amazing woman. You've survived cancer, broken bones, the loss of your husband - which we all thought would be the end of you, the death of most of your brothers and sisters, the death of your beloved and gentle souled son and currently 3 broken vertebrae.

You always have a kind word for anyone who crosses your path, your faith has kept you strong through all these years, you consider yourself to be rich because you have all these people who love you and your zest for life and independence, even at 83, makes you one of the most remarkable woman i know.

I love you, you darling old woman, and i hope that we will share many more jokes, trips to nurseries, secrets, secret coffee dates, cake and tears. You are not only my gran but also my friend. You've been right there with me through all the trials I had to go through in life, and I pray that you will be spared to attend my wedding, bake and decorate my wedding cake and see my children,...so they too will have the blessing of knowing you.

Happy birthday Darling

Love

Ruby
xxxxxxx

Dear Sleepy Jane

How excited was I when I received my little parcel receipt yesterday. I've been nagging the tea lady, who also goes to fetch our post, every day to find out if my little slip has arrived yet. Anyway, yesterday afternoon it finally arrived...and I couldn't wait for lunch time today to actually go fetch it.

Now everybody knows I love receiving things by post, hence the name of my blog. Letters, parcels, registered post...you name it, I love it:) So to be honest, I think I would have been excited and happy as a puppy had the package contained nothing but a BIC pen, but you Sleepy Jane weren't quite as sleepy as your name might suggest.

Your package contained a number of cute and useful things, the M&M chocolate lip ice was probably the thing that got the most of my attention. For the record....I LOVE M&M's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bought 2 gigantic bags of M&M's when I was in the states and even though i would gladly have eaten most of it all at once, I made it last as long as I possibly could.

All the little things you included were awesome, but i realised one thing...you are very creative...Loved the "CD cover" you made:) The CD on it's own was also quite spectacular and is now officially known as "The SleepyJane Mix" So once again, thank you so much for going to the trouble of making this little package which brought a smile to my face and my heart on a really rough day. It's muchly appreciated.

Love

Ruby

Dear Mrs Best Friend

So my dear chamberian, you are a miss no more. On the one hand I can't help but feel slightly sad in my heart....yesterday marked the end of an era for us. No longer will it just be the two of us....it'll be you guys and me. Sort of like our own little version of You, me and DuPre....just not quite so twisted:) But even with that slight little twinge of sadness in my heart, it is overflowing with joy. I am so incredibly happy that you found someone who treats you like the princess you are, who makes your heart beat fast, who sees all your mistakes and loves you because of them.

You were a beautiful bride, and the venue was absolutely gorgeous!! You went to a lot of trouble and did almost everything yourself...well my friend, you did good. Giving your guests little plants as a "thank you" gift was an awesome and totally original idea...and it certainly got a lot of attention. Also, please could you tell me where I can find a Sherry tree??? I'd love to be able to just walk into my garden and pick a glass of sherry.

I couldn't help but shed a tear as your father walked you down the isle. You stopping at 6 places along the way to get the 6 pieces of your bouquet. Oh and now that we're on the bouquet.....I was only kidding when I told you to aim for me when throwing the bouquet!!! I didn't actually want it..but here I am, sitting at home looking at the beautiful flowers I caught. Also, I'm trying to figure out what to do with the fake bling and veil I received as part of my prize.

Thank you for an amazing day! Thank you for being my best friend for so many years and thank you that you'll be a part of my life for many years to come. And tell that handsome groom of yours that I'm glad to add him to our little circle of trust. Oh, and one little piece of advice before I go.....ENJOY THE HONEYMOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love

Ruby
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My date and IWith the bouquet, fake veil and fake blingThe happy couple opening the dance floorI present Mr & Mrs Best FriendYou may kiss the bride

Dear bestest best friend

Well my dearest best friend...I finally found my dress and shoes for your wedding. It's only taken weeks of stress and searching, but both dress and shoes are perfect. Enclosed, please find pictures of the shoes......the dress I'll keep a surprise for now.


Love

Ruby
xxxxxx

OK, so there is a little bit of the dress peeking out to wet your appetite