Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dear Readers

So this week hasn't all together been a good one, to be perfectly honest. A good friend of mine, who lives in CT, committed suicide last week Sunday...he shot himself. It's the second friend this year I've lost in this way. I guess this time i should be grateful that i wasn't nearby, that i wasn't the one who found him and and that i didn't have to stare death in the face like i had to at the beginning of the year...small miracles i guess. I'm not entirely sure i would have coped with that....once was more than enough.

I received the news on Sunday night while i was at a restaurant having fun with a couple of friends of mine. I managed to put up a brave face, hardly telling any of them at the time as i didn't want to put a damper on their fun evening...in hindsight i think that was silly. They're all good friends of mine who would gladly have supported me...but instead i sat there trying to be happy while i was breaking inside.

The funeral was Thursday, needless to say, it was a tough day all together. I'm kind of grateful that i was racing against time in order to reach a Friday lunchtime deadline, otherwise it would have been pure hell. It's funny, at the time I thought i was fine. I even told my best friend that i was fine, and i wasn't lying...but now that i look back on this week i realise that i wasn't quite as fine as i thought,....i was sad and confused. Confused, because I've never ever felt really depressed. Because i don't understand how it feels to get to a point where life just doesn't seem worth living anymore. Confused because i was blessed with a sunshiny personality that bubbles over even when I'm going through tough times, because no mountain has ever seemed to high, because even in my darkest times my life is filled with hope and optimism.

I've come to the conclusion that depression and suicide will never make sense to me. My heart truly goes out to people who go through this deepest of darkness. The people who reach a place in there lives where they just don't feel up to living anymore. My heart truly breaks for them..but i don't understand it, and this makes me feel really helpless. All I can do is love them and support them and make sure that they know that they are appreciated and cared for. And i promise to do that to the best of my abilities.

So rest in peace my friend...you will be missed.

Love
Ruby
xxxx

8 comments:

Patchwork said...

:( this is so sad. Hugs and love hun. I am grateful I have never given in to that pull but I totally understand it.

jessgiggles said...

Oh hunny! Why didn't you tell me?! I know it's not much, but I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs & kisses...

Ruby said...

@Patchwork - Thanx babe:) Please don't ever give in...life is always worth living for *so many hugs*

@Jess - It is a lot more than you think:) To know people care...it means infinitely more than you'll ever know:) To be honest..i didn't really tell anyone...maybe i figured if i didn't talk about it I didn't have to deal with it. But i'm fine...for real this time:) Dealing with the sadness and moving on you know? *hugs*

blackhuff said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost another friend this way. You and this person's family are in my prayers.

Sally-Jane said...

as I read this I was just thinking oh no not again, I know how much and how deeply it hurt you last time. I am really sorry that you had to deal with this. Remember that your friends love you and that being friends means that people want to help carry your pain and that it is never a burden to them if you share it, even if the mood of the party changes a little. In the end of the day i would always rather have a slightly more somber gathering but know that a friend had felt supported and loved.

Hugs to you, wish i could do more, here if you need to talk

Ruby said...

@Blackhuff - thanx hun:) much appreciated

@Sally-Jane - thank you so much. Ja, the last time truly pulled my heart apart in so many pieces that i wasn't sure i'd be able to put it all back together, but last time i was also faced with the trauma of having to deal with the body and seeing him hang there. That made the pain so much worse. Thank you so much for all the love and support:) this time round i really am stronger and dealing with it all a lot better:) *hugs*

Wenchy said...

I am sorry.

Sadly, suicide and depression makes perfect sense to me.

Ruby said...

@Wenchy - Many many hugs coming your way. I know there are a LOT of people out there that struggles with this. I wish i could do more to help.