Dear 2009

My my my...what a year this has been. Full of ups and downs, happies and sads....an all round good year:) I've decided to end my year saying: 'I'm tracing the outlines of 2009 and liking the picture I see'.

I've decided to dedicate this post to everything that happened this year, both good and bad...as all these things played a roll in who I am today:)

2009 will be etched into my memory for the following reasons:

• I started my Masters degree in Forensic Auditing. I won't lie, it's been hectic. Working and studying full time while trying to remain a social butterfly is no joke...but somehow, with much insomnia, much coffee, lots of love and no sleep I managed to pass the first half with flying colours. I did well, and I can honestly say I'm proud of myself.
• I sold my little noenoe who has been my companion since I started driving after the accident
• Bought my gorgeous new baby.......*happy in love sigh*
• Paid off my study loan
• Got caught in the middle of a shootout between police and some idiots while driving home after watching District 9
• District 9
• My feet got burnt by acidic powder that was inside a pair of sexy shoes I bought. I was miserable and the burns were insane. But i'm happy to report that my feet have now fully recovered. The rather exclusive shop was quite shocked and refunded me for the shoes, they also paid my medical bills at the end of the day.
• Almost got ran off the road by a cop cause he was on his cell phone
• Mrs Reindeer passed away.....she paid such an important part in my life for so many years...it is with great sadness and fondness that i remember this part of 2009
• We discovered a really disturbing murial in our local Panarotti's
• My chamber got married...yay!!!!
• I tried my best to have weekends away as often as possible....even when I'm practically dying of Bronchitis
• My dear, dear friend AK's little girl was born. What an awesome little girl...such a blessing!
• The sad and interesting journey through my dear gran's life when we had to help her pack up all her stuff. I still carry the little coin with me:)
• For the first time i can truly say I've forgiven the guy who crashed into me 4 years ago. It's been a long journey.
• erm......I sprayed myself with pepperspray for the second time.....*sigh*
• I lost 11kg without dieting or putting myself through hell and i fit into clothes i haven't been able to wear for ages....yay me!
• I joined twitter....it changed my life:)
• I started doing Salsa and fell completely in love with it:)
• I decided it was OK to make mistakes and to not be so hard on myself
• Another very special person died #sadness
• I managed to give myself consussion on a ride at gold reef city...*sigh*...I swear, only me!
• An aircon just fell out of the wall and only just missed me while i was working
• My stalker started following me around in a car without a license plate.
• I met a bunch of really incredible people this year - thanx guys...your friendship is greatly appreciated
• I had to say goodbye to friends...this is never easy
• I realised it is possible for someone to be significant in your life even if you don't know them very well.
• Baby Nicola was born:)
• I came to the realisation that there are people, other than my family, who really really care about me, who are willing to fight for me. I'm truly amazed and humbled by this. *much affection*
• Spiritually I grew so much....:)

In many ways, it's been a very tough year, but it has also been a good year. I'm happy, I'm content, I'm fulfilled....I'm me:)

Thank you so much to everybody who has been a part of my life this year. You have made it special and worth remembering. And i truly hope that you will continue to play a role in my life in the year to come. What does 2010 hold....I have no idea. But what I do know is that i'm excitedly looking forward to it. I love my life, and i plan to continue loving it and building it and celebrating it in the year to come.

Lots of love
Ruby
xxxx

P.S. Here's a couple of snapshots from 2009 :) Oh! and feel free to add any significant things that happened in 2009 that i might have missed:)

Happy and blessed 2010 my beautiful, special people!!!!! *hugs and kisses*

Dear Bro & Sis-in-law

Tonight you guys made me cry.....a lot...for a number of reasons. Firstly I was crying out of sheer emotion and joy at the gift you had given me for Christmas, it was truly thoughtful, and was the action that set the other reasons for the good cry I just had into motion....but more on that later.

Secondly I cried because I really, really miss you.....both of you! I haven't seen you in almost two years and because we have always been close as brother and sister this breaks my heart. But it's a bit hard with you guys living in the states. Christmas has always been family time for us. Everybody gets together, spending time to catch up, talk nonsense, cook together, eat together and generally to share love and happiness for each other. But you're not here...there is a bit of a hole in my happiness.

Actually, i think my second reason for crying and all the emotions that went along with missing you describes the majority of why i just spent the last half an hour writing you an e-mail, drying off tears and grinning stupidly....I love, and I miss you so much!

Anyhoodle, on to the gift. This year, you decided to be a little different. Giving each other gifts when we are thousands of km apart is never an easy feat. So this year you decided to be slightly different. You made a donation to 'World Vision' on my behalf. So this evening when I opened my mail, this is what awaited me....or a part of it anyway...you really don't need to see the part where they tell me how much they love and miss me...we already know that part:

"A gift of five ducks has been given in your honor
Thought you might like a few adorable little ducks for Christmas this year! I bet none of your friends got the same thing ;-)"

It probably sounds silly, but i burst into tears. Thank you so much! What an incredible gift. Donating ducks to a family who hasn't got any food or any form of livelihood. My heart feels all warm and fuzzy and happy.

May you and the yankee part of your family have an amazingly blessed Christmas. I miss you and I love you both so incredibly much!

Love

RubyWith my bro at his wedding:)

With my sis in law

Dear AG

Wow! I can’t believe you’re gone. That I will never again hear your bell like giggle, your often strange but sound advice, your stories....that i will never again be able to give you a hug and tell you that you are special.

My heart aches so much, and at the same time I’m grateful that you were not subjected to months of pain and suffering. You were a strong, courageous and spirited woman, and that is how i wish to remember you.

A couple of years ago you were diagnosed with breast cancer. Our family is particularly high risk when it comes to this type of cancer, and we were all afraid for you, but praying and rooting that much like my gran you would beat it. You were shattered when the doctors informed you that you would have to have a double mastectomy. I don’t think any of us understands the emotions a woman has to deal with when it comes to losing both her breasts.....it is so much a part of what makes us sensual and so much emphasis is put on it as part of the female form that i think it is an incredible scary thing to face. The fear that your husband would never look at you the same, that you wouldn’t feel feminine and sensual.....those are fears that I pray i never have to face.

But your husband was an angel and helped you to face this thing head-on. The operation was followed with months of intensive chemo therapy.....your strength was stretched to its limits. But, the cancer went into remission....and we all rejoiced with you. Your check ups went well and your results were always clear and good. No sign of the cancer coming back. Then 2 weeks ago you suddenly became violently ill. Nobody knew what was wrong. Nobody suspected. You had been to your check up recently, and your results were clear and good.....it was the last thing we suspected.

By last week Friday the cancer had returned so violently and aggressively.......they discovered a brain tumor, a tumor in your eye, both your liver and your kidneys absolutely devoured by it. This morning you quietly passed away...leaving behind your husband and your 2 darling children. But even in your darkest moments you were a joy and a strength to us all. Being strong and courageous and peaceful.

My heart aches, but I am grateful that you did not suffer long. That you were at peace when it was your time to go. We comfort ourselves in knowing that you’ve gone home and that someday soon we will all be reunited, in a place where cancer does not exist.

You are a beautiful woman, loved and adored by all of us, and you shall be missed. Rest in peace.

Love

Ruby

xxxxxxxxxx

Dear Lallie

Happy happy birthday my darling baby cousin!!! Although, i suppose at 22 you're not such a "baby" anymore huh? Damn! can't believe you're all grown up and ready to face the world...and to crown it all, you are taller than me:)

May the years ahead be filled with many blessings, love, happiness and growth. You are an amazing person and I love you! I am excited for your possible new job opportunities and can't believe that you are big enough to be moving away and starting up all on your own. I'm happy, but I'm also sad. You, along with your 2 sisters, have become my baby sisters. And sometimes i find it very hard to let go. I'm going to miss you so very much...more I think than you'll ever know.

Keep that big smile on your face, touch the lives of those around you and never forget who you are. Nobody can ever take that away from you. Happy happy again darling!!!

Lots of love

Ruby
xxxxxx

Dear Readers

I realise I've been awfully quiet of late, and that all the little letters you have been able to get your eyes on have been kind of short and not really up to my normal standard. I've been busy....busy with work, with my masters, with friends, with issues, with life in general really:)

I have however been working on this little letter for a couple of days. It isn't often that I write a post that contains a lot of "bare all" from me. Yes, I show emotion, and love and sadness and anger and all the rest, but more often than not, you'll notice that I'm kinda sketchy when it comes to the mind and heart of me. I don't like opening myself up, being vulnerable and admitting weakness, and therefore it doesn't happen very often. But here, in this letter, is a little piece of me, Ruby, in her raw and unedited form.....enjoy!

After 27 years, I'm of the opinion that I know myself pretty well....by the time I'm 35 I'll probably look back on this letter and marvel at my silliness for even beginning to think i know myself...but right now, as it stands...this is what I've learnt.

I HATE admitting that I'm wrong. In fact, if I've ever admitted to being wrong about anything serious and you were the recipient of such an admission...consider yourself lucky. I rarely get involved in a discussion if I'm not quite sure of my story because of this reason....so usually i don't have to admit that I'm wrong. But I've done and said some pretty screwed up things in my life. Don't get me wrong...if I'm wrong and i KNOW it, I will admit to this fact and apologize....but it's not something that comes to me easily.

As far as relationships or impending relationships go...I shouldn't have too much time to think. I've learned that mostly I should be caught off guard. Not completely, but a little. If I'm allowed too much thinking time between realising that a dude is into me and the time where something actually happens between us, I will more than likely come up with a million reasons why it would never work and I'll end up neatly avoiding any romantic involvement. Yes....I am an over thinker....but i tend to be even worse than most people.

As much as i am confident and feisty and a little fighter who works hard for all she's got and who is ready to take on the world on her own for what she truly wants and for what she truly believes in....at the end of the day I'm just a little girl at heart.

The thing that really rips the carpet from underneath my feet is disappointment. I hate disappointing the people i love and even more than that i hate disappointing myself. Anger and frustration and sadness I can cope with without missing a beat...disappointment...gets me every time.

I can't stand injustice, half truths and lies. I always feel the need to point it out and fix it.

I suck at being angry for longer than a couple of minutes and for the life of me i can't hold grudges. I'm generally a pretty upbeat person, and being angry and moody turns me into a difficult and unhappy person...this irritates me, so anger and moodiness flies out the window pretty quickly.

The one thing i post even less about than my inner "me-ness" is my faith. Not because I'm ashamed or not passionate, it's simply because I don't believe in bombarding people with what I believe. But this letter would be incomplete without mentioning it. Despite being an extremely rational and realistic and scientific person I can not deny that I believe in God. That my faith in Him is the one thing that makes me who I am. It keeps me sane and positive and excited about life. There is just too much in my life that is completely unexplainable and too marvelous to explain in any other way.

Maybe writing this has opened me up to negative comments and future hurts...who knows. All I know is that at the end of the day...this is me. Granted, there is a lot more to the inner "me-ness" than what I've written in this letter, but this is definitely a part of it.

Love

Ruby
xxxxx

P.S. Now be nice!

Dear Drunk driver

Yesterday marked the 4 year anniversary or that dreadful night. The night you chose to do something irresponsible, the night that for a while I was convinced had ruined my life, the night that changed my life and me forever.

Now, 4 years down the line I can look back and see all the good things that came from it. I walked away from that accident a stronger person. More aware of how much the people around me cared for me. How incredibly blessed I am. And definitely a person who spends less time over thinking things, choosing rather to LIVE!

I wrote all of my feelings and all the details with regards to that accident 2 years ago here, and today i really can look back and say that so much have changed. No longer do i feel anger or resentment. I think, finally after 4 years, i have fully forgiven you. And I'm moving on completely.

I suppose I'll always remember 28 September. It was afterall a life changing experience for me....but maybe now I won't remember it with sadness and anger. But rather with celebration and thanksgiving.

Regards

Ruby

Dear Ruby

So, thanks to inspiration from Sleepyjane, I've decided to write this letter. You my dear ruby are in desperate need of a good talking to, and i plan to give it to you, without any sugar coating this time. So listen up!

1. Yes, you acted like a complete idiot. Shit happens, so get over it OK? You've been blessed with a mouth and fingers that blurt out whatever is on your mind before you have the chance to think about it and realise it's a bad idea. You should be used to it by now.....accept it and embrace it...it's part of your charm:P

2. Stop being so hard on yourself. You tend to be overly forgiving when it comes to other people, but ride yourself into the ground over even the slightest misstep from your side. You are not perfect, and therefore you can not always do the right thing. Admit the mistake and move on.

3. Your slaves are idiots....Stop being so disappointed and surprised whenever they make a mess of things. This has become the norm rather than the exception and is not a reflection on you. Your boss knows this.

4. Pepper spray is meant for criminals. Not for self mutilation. Once can be excused....twice just makes you a chop!

5. You need to start eating like a normal human being. It is not acceptable to not eat for 48 hours...regardless of whether you're hungry or not. Eat at least twice a day from now on.

6. You need to stop complaining so much. You are blessed with a life that mostly resembles a fairy tale...you need to remember this more often.

7. Working and studying full time is tough. You can not have the same social schedule you had before. You're going to need to scale down and be more picky about where you go, who you go with and what you do. Try and choose your social events in such a way that you get to see the maximum amount of people...and if there are people who refuse to understand that you can not just leave everything to see them the way you used to, well, then maybe they are not worth leaving everything to go and see to begin with. True friends will have sympathy for your situation, they will also be aware of the fact that if it was an emergency, no amount of work would ever be able to keep you away.

8. And last but certainly not least. It might be advisable to get at least 2 hours of sleep each night. Now i realise it's not your fault you have insomnia, and that currently your insomniac ways is probably a blessing...but you can only go on for so long with no sleep...it's going to get you eventually...honest!

Love

Ruby
xxxxx