My Boy

A while ago I sent you a letter relating to the fact that I was worried about you because you were avoiding me, you were in hospital, and you refused a visit from me. Turns out.....i was right.

After months and months of avoiding me you finally gave me a call on Thursday. I knew that this was the sign of your return from a dark hole, or at least a sign that you have turned around and were on your way back. Needless to say, I was overjoyed! I cleverly ignored your little "hello stranger! why have you been so quiet?" quip, knowing that this was your way of telling me you missed me.

One phone call was followed by the next and by the end of Thursday you had phoned me 5 times. Just to hear what i was doing and to tell me you missed me. I knew that both you and I would be just fine. My boy was back:)

We decided to have drinks on Friday night, and that I would come and have breakfast at the restaurant on Saturday. Our talk on Friday consisted mostly of you talking about the drama that had been your life in the last couple of months. I knew it! But i didn't feel victorious at being right, my heart was breaking, and my soul is still troubled. I'm worrying myself half to death, more than i did the last time, because this time it was so much worse.

Turns out that the return to the seedy world that had been your old life, and the pressures at home were too much for you to handle, and you flung yourself back into the dark world of cocaine and heroine with a passion which was borderline to an attempt at killing yourself. Using 4g's of cocaine up to 6 or 7 times a day was the norm. You nearly lost the restaurant you had worked so hard to acquire through the debt which drugs created. You nearly lost your mom, you nearly lost your life and you nearly lost me.

The kidney problems were due to the high volumes of cocaine consumed, and the doctor nearly had a fit when they tested your blood. They had never seen anyone with such a high percentage of cocaine in their blood....they thought you were gonna die. I thought you were gonna die!

Almost losing the restaurant was the final straw, and you eventually went to seek help. You booked yourself into rehab without telling anyone. You disappeared off the face of the world for 6 weeks. You suffered through all of that alone. You didn't tell me. My heart broke while you were telling me about rehab. About how lonely you were, and how tough it was. I broke down in tears. I knew that you wanted me to be strong, the way i always am, but i just couldn't be. It was my time to be weak, to cry for innocense lost, to cry for everyone, to cry for you.

We celebrated the fact that you've been clean for 10 weeks on saturday. And I even managed a smile through the tears of heartbreak and joy. But my heart is still filled with darkness, a new darkness named worry. You are surrounded by the people who took you into this world every single day. Are you gonna be strong enough not to fall for it again? I don't know, and I wish i could just protect you from all of this. I wish i could take you away, and never bring you back. I wish i could take away your pain, your weakness and all your struggles.

The realisation of why it was so easy for you to go back finally struck when I asked about your parents. I know that they've been having some problems of late, but i wasn't prepared for the news. They were getting a divorce, they were killing each other, they are killing you and your sister. The divorce is not pretty, as they were married under Italian law, which apparently means that everything belongs to the husband. Your dad tried to strangle you when you told him that you will make sure that your mom is provided for. Money turn people into monsters. I can understand why you fell. Despite the fact that your dad is the one cheating on your mom, your sister has decided that your mom is the bitch from hell, and now she is rejecting you because you are refusing to choose sides, despite the fact that your dad has been treating you like shit.

I really wish i could just put my arms around you and make everything OK. I wish i could take all of this away. I wish things could have been different for you my friend. You finally broke down on saturday. You told me that you had avoided me through all of this because you knew that I would know what was going on within seconds of talking to you. You didn't want to disappoint me again. You knew that i wouldn't judge, that i would be there for you like every time before, that i would be the one sorting everything out. You avoided me because you wanted to spare me the pain of going through all of this with you again. You did it, because in your twisted drug induced state you believed that it would spare me the worry.

You're not even halfway out the woods yet. But at least you are moving forward, and I applaud you for that. I pray that you will be kept safe from the temptations that fill your everyday life at the restaurant, that you will be strong, and that you will emerge from this a stronger person.

I want you to know that no matter what happens, you will always be my boy. I love you and I'd give up everything if it would mean that you'd be OK. And for goodness sake, don't ever put me through that again. I'd rather know and worry myself half to death, than sit in the silence and anguish of uncertainty.

Love

Your Joe

P.S. For a bit of comic relief after this really depressing post, go here to see my funeral interview with Bridget .